The Self-Esteem Connection

When we are trapped in a cycle of food abusive behavior we don’t usually feel very good about ourselves. Why is it so hard to be proud of ourselves? Why do so many of us have such poor self-esteem? To answer this, we must examine what self-esteem is, how negative self-esteem develops and what we need to do to improve it. Self-esteem is not solid. It is fluid. Many people think of it as something that “just is.” You may have heard someone remark that they have high or low self-esteem and that is the end of it. Well, it really isn’t that way. Think of self-esteem as a river. Sometimes there is plenty of water in it and it flows freely. We may see sun sparkles reflected in it and it is quite beautiful. At other times, the water in our river may be quite low and we see mud, old tires and rusty things sticking up – not very attractive!

Self-esteem is like this river. It is high at times, low at others. Water flows into the river through positive messages we receive from ourselves and from others. Water flows out, however, when we hear and absorb negative messages. Think about this. When we were children, our parents expended a great deal of energy to take care of us. Since they had a limited amount of energy and wanted us to grow up doing the “right” things, they usually focused more attention on us when we were doing something wrong. If we were doing something unacceptable, that behavior had to be corrected. If we were not, there was no need to say
anything to us.

So, most of us grew up being exposed to an abundance of negative remarks and few positive ones.
Now is the time to turn your negative energy into positive. Only you can do it. Shower yourself today with positive self talk. Notice and appreciate all the amazing things about yourself. You are a special being and you deserve to enjoy your delicious life and to feel good. So, how about writing a list of positive aspects of your life and hanging it up in your home and/or office as a reminder? Then let us all know how it was to do it and what changes you are making as a result. I would love to see your comments…
Oh yes, and please visit my new Amazon Page and “like” me there so we can keep in touch all kinds of ways!

Meanwhile, enjoy springtime!
Warmest wishes,
Dr. Denise

Teleclasses to start this Thursday!!!

It’s not too late! Please register today for my “Appetite Connection” four teleclasses series – only $30!!!

Hurry though because we start this Thursday, the 28th. To register click here.
If you can’t make it, register anyway and you will be able to download all of the classes to listen to at your convenience…

I would really love to have you join me... You can also send questions ahead of time and I will address tham on the call. Hope to connect with you Thursday!!!

Secondary Gains from Overeating

I often ask clients what they are getting out of their compulsive eating behavior. Most look at me as if I’m from another planet and insist that they get absolutely no benefits from eating compulsively or from being overweight. I can understand their surprised reactions, for how can an issue which feels so painful and all-consuming bring with it any advantages? Inevitably, when I suggest we talk about the possibility, people resist the idea. “How can this weight or this behavior bring me anything positive?” they ask. It seems too hard to think about, impossible to imagine. I often tell them the following story to illustrate my point:

Once I was working with a woman who had been steadily gaining weight since the birth of her first child. She was referred to me by her medical doctor when her weight began seriously taking its toll on her health. She was dangerously obese when we met and was becoming increasingly depressed and discouraged. We worked together for quite a while and, despite all of her best efforts and mine, she continued to put on more weight. Sporadically she would make attempts to take control of her eating but nothing was effective. One day, after several months of unsuccessful weight loss attempts, we began talking about her family situation and she disclosed to me that her husband and parents badly wanted another child/grandchild. Her first child, an extremely active little girl, kept her busy constantly and she strongly resisted the idea of adding to their family (and thus her workload). She feared her husband’s and parent’s anger and possible abandonment if she openly stated that she did not want another child to care for.

Soon she realized that her weight kept her from having to confront her family or deal with the issue at all. Her doctor had emphatically told her that having another child was far too dangerous an undertaking if she became pregnant at her current weight. Losing weight would mean confronting the issue and admitting the truth. Once she realized this she knew that she would never let go of her extra pounds until she figured out how to handle this matter directly.

Scenarios like this one happen frequently as part of the therapy process. People sometimes find out that their weight, their emotional eating and out-of-control behavior provides them with illusions of safety. If they are overweight, they can avoid the situations that they fear. They may think such thoughts as, “If I am heavy, no one will make advances towards me. If I am fat, I can’t possibly _______ (fill in the blank: go to school, ask for anything, be successful, take risks, compete with others, have a good relationship, etc.) If I am fat, I won’t be called upon to give my opinions or ideas. People won’t take me seriously and I won’t have to risk being wrong and feeling foolish. If I am overweight I may be excluded from good jobs where I will be expected to be responsible and competent (it is illegal, but it happens). If I am obese I can stay close to home – buses, planes, trains and subways have small seats so I can’t possibly travel.” This thinking provides an illusion of safety.

Being overweight is not simple and generally there are at least a few hidden, unconscious agendas behind the eating behavior. Close your eyes, take a few deep breaths and think for a few minutes about the advantages you get from being overweight. Then return to the present. Write those advantages down. Now note any other, more nurturing ways you can take care of yourself and your feelings and write these down. Next, choose one area where you would like to make a change. For example, if you have discovered that one advantage of overeating has been to numb feelings of grief, you might plan to talk with a friend about your loss. In this way, you allow your feelings to surface and find expression and you no longer need food to anesthetize yourself. You can do this exercise often as a way of checking in with yourself and changing your compulsive behavior.

You are making your unconscious conscious and only then can you make the changes you need to make. Send me a note and let me know what you find out! ( denisedeniselamothe.com ) I would love to heare from you!

Springtime and Overeating

First of all, thank yous to all of you who participated in my very first teleseminar last week. It was a great experience and I appreciate your letting me know how helpful it was… (We will be posting a link to the recording on http://www.emotionalovereatingawareness.com/ soon. The four teleclasses series I told you about that will address how to stop overeating will begin April 28th and information will be available soon. Check my website for the latest news and I will also keep you posted via this blog..

For now, let’s enjoy springtime! After months of hibernation, it is finally springtime! Flowers are bursting out of their underground winter hiding places and there are many compelling reasons to be out of doors. Raking, mowing, weeding, feeding bending and lifting all may exhaust us physically and this end-of-the day tiredness can be misinterpreted for hunger. Food gives us energy and we need the right amount of the right nutrients for our body to function properly. Often, however, we fool ourselves into thinking we need to eat when our body actually does not need more food. This is likely to happen when we are tired.

We might think we need to eat food to energize our body. Although this may be the case at times, such as in a life or death situation, usually, for many of us, food is not what we really need. We may really need to sleep or soak in a warm bubble bath. When we are tired, we are more emotionally vulnerable. We may find ourselves eating to save us from experiencing our feelings. When we feel tired, angry, frustrated, anxious, bored, lonely, unappreciated or afraid, for example, food becomes a quick and easy way to seemingly perk us up and fill the void we are experiencing. It is easier to tear open a bag of chips grab a chocolate bar than it is to sit with those painful feelings. Feelings of hunger are tricky and often have nothing to do with the fueling of our body.

Our body doesn’t need excessive amounts of potato chips, chocolate or macaroni and cheese to function optimally, so when we tell ourselves we need them for energy, we are not telling ourselves the truth. Fats, sugar or caffeine may give us a temporary rush of energy – but this is short-lived, and masking discomfort will leave us feeling even more “tired” than before because we are not giving our body the nutrients it really needs to “energize.” So, when we choose sugars, fats or excess carbohydrates we may not be truly, physically hungry.

Cravings we experience deliver valuable messages to us about what we really feel and what we really need. Our job is to pay attention to these messages and to give ourselves what we really need at the time. Proper rest, a healthful diet, and a peaceful lifestyle give us energy – not junk foods. They may be what our Appetite clamors for from time to time, but they are never what we really need.

Self Esteem and Emotional Eating

This is a great time to think about this because April is Emotional Overeating Awareness Month. (Go to http://www.emotionalovereatingawareness.com/ for free tips each day and to register for my FREE teleseminar this Thursday!) Register NOW! I really want to have you there with me… Think about this: Low self-esteem is always present when we are trapped in a cycle of food abusive behavior. Why is it so hard to feel good about ourselves? Why do so many of us have such poor self-esteem? To answer this, we must examine what self-esteem is, how negative self-esteem develops and what we need to do to improve it. Self-esteem is not solid. It is fluid. Many people think of it as something that “just is.” You may have heard someone remark that they have high or low self-esteem and that is the end of it. Well, it really isn’t that way. Think of self-esteem as a river. Sometimes there is plenty of water in it and it flows freely. We may see sun sparkles reflected in it and it is quite beautiful. At other times, the water in our river may be quite low and we see mud, old tires and rusty things sticking up – not very attractive! Self-esteem is like this river. It is high at times, low at others. Water flows into the river through positive messages we receive from ourselves and from others. Water flows out, however, when we hear and absorb negative messages. Now think about this. When we were children, our parents expended a great deal of energy to take care of us. Since they had a limited amount of energy and wanted us to grow up doing the “right” things, they usually focused more attention on us when we were doing something wrong. If we were doing something unacceptable, that behavior had to be corrected. If we were not, there was no need to say anything to us. Now your self-esteem is your responsibility entirely. Please flood yourself with positive messages – about your competence and your worth. Celebrate the beautiful spirit you are and when negative messages slip into your mind, change the focus of your attention and give yourself positive thoughts. Think of thinks you feel good about. Count your blessings. Start a gratitude list. Hope to meet with you Thursday! Be well and honor Emotional overeating Awareness Month!